Let’s continue on reading this passage with our new perspective of praise. “She is worth far more than rubies,” verse 10 continues. Let me ask you this: from where, exactly, does this woman’s value come? From where, exactly, does all women’s value come?

I can see your Bible-educated, culture-educated, and self-educated wheels churning out the expected answers like a factory line of machines. But stop – I want you to seriously, deeply consider this question. This is not a touchy-feely-make-sure-you-feel-good-about-yourself question like we’ve been led to believe, ladies. This is important. This is enormous. Do you know that the way you truly answer this question – the deepest held conviction of your heart about this particular truth – is written all over your life from top to bottom? From where does YOUR value come?

If you want to know the real answer, look at how you spend your time, what you choose to grow and cultivate in your own soul – what you are trying to be. It usually takes me all of five minutes with you to know where you think your value comes from.

And I cannot express to you how grieved I am at the lies women believe about this.

Because at the top of the list – pounded by the media, embedded in human cultures all throughout the world, what I believe to be the devil’s most effective weapon for the oppression of women everywhere – is that a woman’s worth comes from her sex appeal.

Let me get something straight: I am not some sort of Victorian prude. I am not pressing for the removal of sex from our lives, or insinuating that I feel that women are not sexual creatures, too. And I like to look good, and I like turning my husband’s head, and I don’t find anything wrong in making an effort to do so. But it is a favorite pastime of this world to deprive from women the right to be anything else but a mindless, soulless toy for men. And women – you are so much more. The good men know that.

But look around you next time you’re at the mall, or the movie theater, or the beach. Tell me if anything – anything – else a woman can be is praised so highly as this one thing, sexy.

In pursuit of this one kind of value, millions of women neglect to become anything else – and beauty is fleeting! If you want to know how many women derive their value from beauty in this country, visit a hair stylist and ask her how many of her customers chose not to cover up their gray.

And here’s another thing: women work so much harder than they need to. Ladies, seriously, you have no idea how easy it is to turn a man’s head. SERIOUSLY. Lighten up, you look gorgeous! Stop wasting your time working on something that’s already done.

Sub-truth #1: Woman, you are beautiful, and so much more.

But that is not where your value comes from.

Then where?

Despite culture’s best attempts, there are still plenty of gorgeous, strong women who do not accept this view of themselves as a sex object and nothing more. For a long time, I have been one of them. But finding our value in beauty is not the only trap women face; our world has many more traps for those who escape the first. Charm, or that winsome personality. Physical strength. A successful career. Creating beautiful things. Taking good care of husbands and children. Having friends. Being popular. Even cooking well. Women value themselves for all kinds of different things. For me, it is intelligence, and ‘success’ as the world defines it, prestige. The desire to prove myself smarter than others is one that is being quite patiently and diligently removed by God a little more every day – and let me tell you, it is wedged in there tight. See, for years, almost my whole life, I have valued myself based on my intelligence, because I’m pretty smart, or so the tests say, and so it is quite a paradigm shift to see that God does not view human ‘intelligence’ as such a valuable thing. “Claiming to be wise, they became fools,” (Rom. 1:22) He says, and “the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.” 1 Cor. 1:19 That’s about what He thinks of human ‘intelligence.’ What I have valued myself for my whole life – spent myself on at times – is just as futile and probably three times as dangerous as beauty for looking “safe.”

Now, this woman in Proverbs is praised for being wise, strong, and kind, and she is a very capable, very successful woman. She has a head full of brains and shoes full of feet, as Dr. Seuss would say. But that is not where her value comes from.

Her success does not arise from her intelligence, but her diligence. Her diligence arises from her character. And her character? Her character was formed on one premise alone: “A woman who fears the Lord.”

That is what makes her mighty.

So what does it mean, then, to fear the Lord?

It’s a phrase thrown around frequently in the Old Testament, and makes a particular show of force in Proverbs, which begins with the assertion that “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge,” (Proverbs 1:7) preceded by a father’s urgent plea to his son to seek after wisdom and knowledge above all else. Clearly this thing is important.

I had a Bible teacher once tell me that “it’s not really fear as much as respect,” with which I will respectfully disagree. The more I learn about God, the more He terrifies me. Not in the way that makes me run from Him, but run to Him, because only through Him do I have any chance at all!

Think of this: Do you not realize, broken, faulty soul, that He is perfect? Do you not realize that He does not live in contradiction to Himself – that He is perfectly consistent even to His deepest parts, the depths of Him no one else can understand? Do you not realize that in this perfection, in this consistency, He perfectly and consistently loves every soul you have ever harmed (and you have harmed souls, whether you intended to or not), and He will not stand for your crime, but will have justice for them all? Think of a person who has deeply hurt someone you love – and does not the same love in you that God has for them burn in anger?

Do you not realize He knows every way to cause you pain, the way you have done to others? Do you not realize He has the ability to dismantle the atoms of your body, and the building blocks of your soul as well? Every person you have ever harmed, intentionally or not, He loves. He has spoken you into existence, and He can speak you out of it.

Hebrews 10:30-31 puts it (much better) this way: “For we know Him who said, “Vengeance is mine, I WILL repay.” And again, “The Lord will judge His people.” It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God.”

And do you not realize that the only thing that keeps Him from doing so – is Himself?

Because after all you have done, His love for you is great enough to offer you redemption by the blood of one who never sinned, His own Son. This is the God you say you believe is real, and my dears, He is – He is terribly real. Oh, yes, fear Him! Then, and then alone, will you begin to really know the truth. “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge…”

That is what the fear of the Lord means – as Jonathon Edwards put it, that we are “sinners in the hands of an angry God,” and without His Son, we are hopeless.

But we are not hopeless – so long as our hope is in Him.

That is what the woman in Proverbs 31 knows to be true. That is what makes this Proverbs 31 woman who she is. She fears God – and because she fears Him, she seeks Him, because her hope is in Him, not in herself. Everything she does – everything for which she is praised in this passage – it’s all just the evidence. It is the outward trail of an inward journey into the heart of God. It’s only the runoff of an overflowing heart. Her life is the overflow of her faith.

And the funny thing is, this is the one thing about ourselves we tend to neglect the most. Not just women, of course, but people; there are too, too many people in this world who do not know what they believe, or who.

Now, women of God, you who believe Him – that is why you deserve praise.

Let everything else fall away. Everything you run after – Your beauty. Your success. Your clean house and well-behaved children. Your dreamy marriage. Your perfect hair. Let it all fall away.

Let your value rest on whom you have believed, and you will have begun to be this Proverbs 31 woman.

It’s that much easier to be her than you could have ever dreamed.

Oh – and, er, well – that much harder. But that’s a post for a different day.

Truth #2: Woman, your value comes from what you seek – or more accurately, Whom you seek.

The Mighty Wife

From Proverbs 31:10-31

<cue woefully inadequate Julie Andrews imitation> “Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start…”

First of all, let’s clarify something: according to every teacher who’s ever endeavored to teach me this delightful passage, and according to the words and heading of the Bible translation I possess, this passage is about “The Wife of Noble Character.”

So, what the heck does that mean?

Here’s something fascinating that I just learned that nobody’s ever told me before: the Hebrew word translated “noble character” here, hayil? It means mighty. Like, as in, it is most often used in reference to military might. It is related to the word heyl, which literally means military fortification, or army. Hayil means: “Might, strength, power; able, valiant, virtuous; army host, forces; riches, substance, wealth. Primarily signifies military might.” (From my Key Word Study Bible)

Why do I find this so fascinating? Well, my background is in English literature. One of the things you’re taught when you are taught to analyze English literature is that there is a difference between a word’s denotation (what the dictionary says it means) and it’s connotation (what it implies, or, actually means).

This word for “noble character” is used to connote all things mighty.

This passage is not about the “noble” wife who stares down her nose at people and wears fancy schmancy gowns bought by the blood, sweat, and tears of the servants she oppresses (which, by the way, is not what “noble” originally meant, either, hence the translator’s choice of words. Perfect example of denotation vs. connotation). This woman is not some holier version of Cinderella’s stepmother, folks, “noble woman” though she may have been called.

Neither is she some pushover, weak-willed, soft-gripped woman, either, which is how noble has often come to be used today.

No, no. This passage, my dears, is about the Mighty Wife. <cue bicep flex>

A couple years ago, one of my cousin’s wives said something to me that I found profoundly life changing. I was admiring her ability to carry a toddler on her back and a baby on her front walking uphill in the blistering heat (might as well have been both ways), and she just shrugged and said, “Women are strong,” as if everybody knew that.

But, wait – do we know that?

Men are strong. Right? Well, of course they are. Physiologically speaking, men are stronger than women, just because. I mean, their testosterone levels make them literally grow muscles in their sleep. <cue Fezzik voice> “It’s not my fault that I’m the biggest and the strongest. I don’t even exercise.” Not that I’m bitter or anything.

Granted, men are stronger than women. In our minds, though, which are taught to think in opposites, that naturally makes women weak. My dears, men may be stronger – but women are still strong. You are strong. Remember that. This Proverbs 31 chick? She’s a beast – the most beautiful kind. The passage specifically praises her strength – more than once!

So here’s a lie that our culture (not our Bible!) has taught us: The Bible says women are weak. <cue objections> Yes, yes, yes, it does say women are the “weaker vessel.” Emphasis on the er. Remember how stronger didn’t mean not strong? Well guess what. Weaker, fellas, weaker. We, none of us, are strong vessels without Christ. But I digress.

The Bible, God’s living and active Word, Proverbs 31, says women are STRONG.

Time and time again, my own observations confirm this truth. And I don’t just mean physically, although women have tremendous potential to be physically strong and many of us are, but strong in personality, strong in conviction, strong in adversity, strong in integrity, strong in love. The first verse of this infamous passage, verse 10, calls this woman a “wife of <mighty> character,” (added emphasis etc.). I don’t think I’m the only one who can look around and see women who fit this bill.

Truth #1: Woman who fears the Lord, thou art strong.

From Proverbs 31:10-31

The Mighty Wife, Part 1

<Groan> Here. We go. Again. ANOTHER exhortation from Proverbs 31. Prepare heads for sound thumping!

Ladies, raise your hand if you have ever felt this way about this particular passage of Scripture. <raises both hands>

All right, I may err on the dramatic side. But seriously, though, I have heard SO many sermons and read SO many articles and SO many books and even gone to SO MANY classes about this FREAKING PROVERBS 31…woman, I was going to say woman. <Ahem>. And every time I do I get about. Six. Inches. Smaller. <Thump> <Thump> <Thump>

Here’s the thing that gets me: that’s not what it’s for. I mean the Word of God – that’s not what it’s for!

Yes, God’s Word is “for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness,” (2 Timothy 3:16), but not so we can feel fit for nothing but the trash pile before God’s hardly even begun His great work in us! (See God’s Trash, Part 1). No, no. What does that verse say? “so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.” (2 Timothy 3:17)

So, before we even talk about what Proverbs 31 says, let’s talk about what it’s for. What is this passage – what is any of Scripture – for? According to Timothy, it’s for equipping. Well, what does that mean?

Militarily, it means not sending your troops out to meet gunfire with pitchforks.

Astronautically, it means not sending your astronaut to walk on the moon in a swimsuit.

Antarctically, it means you stinkin’ BUNDLE UP.

My dear, Scripture is God putting the tools in your hands for the job you have to do. He’s not sending you out to life to meet defeat, all right? (Sidenote: We’re talking about His plan, not yours…big difference sometimes. HUGE. More on that some other time.) He’s not throwing you – you who trust Him alone to save you – to the sharks so He can watch them tear you apart for the fun of it. That’s NOT God. God does not desire your defeat in the tasks He’s given you. Enjoy that truth.

God’s Words are for building us up, strengthening us, making us feel His love for us, feel His strength and His joy and His power by which we “soar on wings like eagles!” (Isaiah 40:31) And yes, sometimes His words tell us we’ve done it wrong (again) and that hurts – but it should hurt in the growing kind of way, not the shrinking.

Because ultimately, God’s Word is a tool – God’s tool – for building. Building us, to be specific – building us up into all He has planned for us to be: “Now I commit you to God and to the word of his grace, which can build you up and give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified.” (Acts 20:32)

Now you see why it gets me when I’m taught about a passage of Scripture in a way that makes me feel defeated. And not just defeated in one small way – defeated as a woman, as the very essence of who – of what – I am. No, no, no! That is NOT what it’s for.

Well, then, what is Proverbs 31 for?

My husband told me something very interesting a while back, which I have been steeping in my mind ever since; he told me that he’d discussed this passage with a Jewish rabbi, who told him that in Jewish teaching, this passage is not considered a “thou shalt” list for women, but rather considered an exhortation to husbands to praise their wives. <psh> Where on earth did they get THAT idea?

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.” Proverbs 31:30-31.

OH.

So in other words, “Hey husbands! Appreciate your wives! Tell her you love her and think she’s just dandy!”

So, ladies, you know all those things you’ve done for others that you thought no one saw because no one ever bothered to say thank you? All the underwear you washed and nasty refrigerators you cleaned out and invisible ‘ow’ies you kissed and toys you picked up – several times a day – and healthy dinners you carefully made that EVERYONE complained about and all this even though you’ve got other stuff you could do with your time?

You know how no one ever seems to see what you do?

God saw.

In Proverbs 31, He says thank you. He even nudges your husband and kids, too, and is like, “Hey, say thank you to your amazing wife and mom ‘cuz she DESERVES it.”

WHOA NELLY, that BUILDS. ME. UP.

Go ahead and read the passage again in the light of someone telling a woman how amazing she is. Does that change it for you? Good. Now we have somewhere to start.